This felling has got to stay

Today I am happy. Today I am excited. I'm finally excited about my new job. I bought some clothes today for my new job and I could start imaging myself in those clothes at work. I just got really excited.

Don't let it go away...this feeling has got to stay.

Got to go...the season premiere of the office is on (true love).

Funk This

So I got a job. I start on Monday. I just don't know what to say about it. I'm just really scared- I guess. I'll be working for Community Relations for an old age home. I just hope that I have enough to do to keep me busy for 40 hours a week- that's my main concern. I'm still a little unclear exactly what they want from me. Everyone there seems super nice though so I'm very looking forward to that. I'm know I don't sound excited and I don't know why. I hope after my first day there I feel a little bit more excited.

I spoke to Career Counselor yesterday and he had only good things to say about me. about how hard I worked and how I'll do great in this job. This just frustrates me. How come everyone else can see it but I don't. I wish I was going into this job thinking "I'm gonna nail this". Instead I think about how horrible it would be if this job doesn't work out because the economy is so bad and I'll probably never get a job again.

I'll also be moved in with my boyfriend this week. There's just so much going on. As soon as my insurance kicks in I'm going to speak to a counselor. I think it will help. I should be so excited about all the things going on in my life because they're so great but instead, I'm in a horrible funk.

Don't get your hopes up

So along with the interview I have in Brooklyn tomorrow I just got another call for an interview for a job closer to home. So now I have a job interview at 12 in Brooklyn and a second interview near home at 4pm... Because one interview a day isn't nerve wracking enough!
I have to admit I'm a little excited though...nervous and excited.

Shot ------->

I have an interview somewhere deep in Brooklyn on Tuesday. My confidence is non-exsistant and I'm just thinking that I'm doomed to roam the earth jobless.
Shit- my anxiety just shot right back up.

Four Letter Words- Hope edition

Still my phone doesn't ring. Another day, another couple of resumes sent out.
I hope something works out. I really don't know where this "Hope" is coming from but I have it. I just hope I'm not...like...wrong.

Panic Queen

So many things going through my head. I hope the recruiter for this job calls me. I already checked their website and it says a recruiter will normally get back to you in 7-10 days. My application was sent over on Friday afternoon.

Oh man, I really need to stop googling past classmates and comparing their lives to mine. Why do I do this? This is a new obsession. It's a little unnerving knowing that someone from your past is only a few clicks away.

Today was a rainy day which seemed appropriate as I packed up boxes from my room for the big move to my boyfriends place. The rain served as camouflage for my tears.

I should sleep but I can't and I won't.

Before the Cold

Every day is so different around here. I have no idea where this hurricane of a job hunt will send me. I went to see my career advisor for the second time on Thursday. He informed me that my post grad job search will be the hardest part of my whole job career. I have a bachelors and little to no experience. Also our economy is in the gutter and I'm trying to find a job in a time when hardly any one's hiring.

So far my career advisers have been little to no help. Alas, with the research I did myself I found that a rent a car company has a managerial training program and actually recruit through my school. I never thought that I would be interested in something that this but I have to say I think I can apply it to what I really want to do in life. When i went to see my advisor I told him about it and he actually had spoken to the recruiter earlier in the day. So, today he informed me that he sent over my resume to him. I hope I get some kind of call. The rest of our visit ( the whole 2 1/2 hours I spent there) was spent doing a mock interview.

Today,Friday, I spent the day at my boyfriends- all alone (well, the 2 cats were here) while he was at work. I decided to take a long walk on the beach. Two and a half hours later my hair looked like shit and I could hardly drive home my legs were jiggling like jello. I'm just so eager to work and I feel like my life is on hold right now.

Take 2

okay so now this is getting serious...2 posts in one day!?!
Everyone around me is sick of hearing me talk and I'm even sick of hearing me talk but that doesn't do anything to make the thoughts running through my head go away.

I just wish this feeling would end!!!!!

Crippling

Why can't I just chill the fuck out?
This last week was a total lost week because of Labor day and pretty much EVERYONE went away last week. So, like my career advisor advised, I didn't send any resumes out.
First thing this morning I emailed out 4 resumes- 2 jobs I like and 2 I could deal with.

I just wish I could chill out and just enjoy the last of these breezy summer days and just know that I'll get a job eventually.I can't even tell you how I can actually feel the anxiety pulsating through my veins.

The day outside is just flawless and I'm actually going to get to spend time with my boyfriend tonight but once again I'm so stressed out that I'm shaky! Just wish I could chill out- why can't I? I should be feeling happy....
I'll eventually get a job, I'm moving in with my boyfriend, I just got my diploma on Sunday and I made the Deans list....yet all I can focus on is the crippling anxiety.

Carry Me

Today is Friday. Can't believe it's ONLY FUCKING FRIDAY. Days seem like months. Constantly looking for a job and hardly getting to see my boyfriend is taking it's toll. This Thursday I got all dressed up and had my mom drive me to a job I was interested in. I had her drive me because it's almost impossible to get a parking space anywhere in that area- she circled the block until I came back down. I made my way up the elevator, resume in hands and entered a room. The lady at the front desk didn't look like she knew about anything that was going on and when I asked for the supervisor the lady informed me she was away on vacation. So I guess my career counselor was right about taking this week off for job hunting because everyone is away on vacation. I'll give it another try on Tuesday. Other than this job, I have no leads. My career counselor is sending my resume out to a couple of companies after Labor day but I really don't know what will happen there.

Today was hard day too. My old job was working at a vet and today I had to bring my dog in to be checked out for a little surgery he'll need for next week. I guess it was hard going back to my old job to see all my old co-workers. We'll actually, they seemed pretty miserable to be honest. Nothing- I mean nothing has changed since I've been gone. I'm not sad I left my old job. Even though right now I'm looking for a job, I feel as though I left to do bigger and better things. I mean no one there is really thinking towards their future. None of them have degrees and don't seem to have many plans for their futures.

I know eventually I will get a job and hopefully one I like. It's just hard right now because finding a job is all I can think about. I've been trying to keep my mind off of it by doing pretty much anything. Today I went on a trip to the hardware store with my mom just to keep myself busy. It's also been hard because I haven't been able to see my boyfriend because of his new crazy work schedule. It's just been hard. I just have to stay strong. Stay strong.

Feels like a lifetime

It feels like a lifetime since the last time I blogged.I wish I could say so much has happened but it hasn't. Feelings of doubt,uncertainty and everlasting boredom are still here. Same shit- different day. I spend hours looking online for jobs and I send new resumes out and I feel defeated if I don't get a call back within a short amount of time. I finally got ahold of my career counselor who said not to send out resumes this week because it's labor day weekend and everyone is away.

I have to admit I was feeling better Sunday and Monday. Hopeful almost. I think my problem is not feeling productive because today I went to help my sister at her new job and I slipped back into feelings of defeat. She got a position in her field being a gym teacher and even though she's not doing exactly what she wants, my thoughts of positiveness floated away when all I could think about was that she had a job and I didn't.

My Mom knew I was feeling down. My mood went from happy to depressed throughout the day. Even stepping on the scale and seeing that I lost another 2 pounds didn't cheer me up. When I'm nervous I don't eat. I've actually lost over 8 pounds since the beginning of the summer.I asked my mom to drive me to a job I found online today so I can drop off my resume. I hate that I need a crutch but it really helps me. I don't need her to hold my hand but I do need someone to listen to me when I run back to the car. Looking for a job...the whole...dropping off your resume, interviews, covers letters...is so exhausting and emotionally draining. So that's what I'll be doing tomorrow.No other jobs really lined up for tomorrow. I agreed to make a special diner for everyone tomorrow night just to keep my mind from JOB!!JOB!!! YOU HAVE NO JOB!!!

Another ticket for the emotional roller coaster

It's almost 1am and I'm on crappy movie number 2 and eating left over chicken salad.
Today was another err...day. I purchased another ticket for the emotional roller coaster and went from being on verge of tears to complete tranquility. I sent out a couple more resumes. None of which got me too excited.

Talked to Annmarie today and she laughed at my hysterics. It's been less than 2 weeks since I started looking for a job and I've had some success- going on 3 interviews and I could of had all 3 jobs if I wanted them but I didn't. So my fears went from thinking I'll never find a job to fearing I'll never find a job that will make me happy.

What is with everyone saying "IT WILL WORK OUT". I know that's just a line people use because they want to shut you up. Oh, so you know it will be alright- where's your crystal ball, your tarot cards...

Today I sickeningly looked up old classmates on myspace to see if my current state was equal to theirs. Some were stay at home moms, some never went or graduated college. Even the ones that had good jobs I didn't envy. It was the ones who seemed to be happy and so effortlessly too. Like they really knew themselves and were doing what they wanted to do. This feeling just makes me hate myself a little more at this point. One of the girls had a picture of herself running along the beach with the caption "Stop worrying and take a chance" next to it. I wrote it on a sticky and taped it to my computer.

confidence below my kness now

I started this blog to in hopes it will help me reflect on my life right now. I just graduated from college with a ba in psychology and I'm about to move in with my boyfriend of 8 1/2 years.

I'm looking for my first Post- Grad job. It's only been 11 days and I've already had 2 breakdowns (one with crying one without).

I've been on 3 interviews and while this might be a bit dramatic, I'd rather throw myself off the verrazano than actually take any of them.

Interview 1:
I was so excited. I got the call for the job just one day after putting out my resume. The pay was low but I figured it would be good practice putting myself out there and going on the interview. My shoes were too big and kept falling off . Overall I felt confident. A perfect job if you're still in college looking for part time work. I left feeling okay and her saying she'd keep my resume if anything full time came up.

That night I went home and had an attack that kept me up till 3am. It's not that I had thought finding a job would be easy, it's just that I hadn't thought about getting a job at all. I was just happy to be out of school and appreciated all the "congrats on graduating" checks that were coming in the mail. I felt that I would never get a job-ever. I was bound to roam the earth not being able to get any job-ever.

Interview 2:
Case Manager. Wow! Now this sounds like a "real job". I had gotten the call two days after faxing my resume to the ad I had seen in the newspaper. Her office was hot and I had to walk through the bathroom to get there. I was dressed sharp and had already filled the paper work out that was needed. ( I had gone on their website the night before and filled it out in case I was asked to fill it out at the interview. "How efficient" the director said when she saw my paper was had already been done.) I knew this interview was off to a bad start when she didn't even shake my hand. The interview ended when she said the words "home visits". The ad had said "working with teens and their families with preventative programs'. Finding preventative programs = preventing the child from going to foster care. I respect the people who do this dangerous job but i was mad I got sucked in so fast. This is the job I was trying to keep away from. My aunt did this job soon after graduating with her Psy degree and had a total breakdown less than a year later. The rest of the interview just got worse but that's another story. it ended with her asking me to meet with the director to start to fill out my employment papers and me racing home to send him and nice email turning down the position.


Interview 3:
Came 10 days into my job hunt. Mental Health Aide. I didn't even realize I applied for the job. It was one one of those websites where you have to email your resume and I swear I didn't know my resume went through. I almost called to cancel the thing but in the morning I talked to the BF and he was persuasive. Is lipped on my new pants, tank with matching cami and took off. The building looked abandoned. The job would be working with people who were mentally ill and addicted to drugs. The place had no air and I was sweating instantly. All the "clients" (as us in the Psy industry like to refer to them as) were older men. I turned around and had a parade of about 3 guys following me and looking me up and down. The 2 women who interviewed me had no idea what they were doing and hadn't thought of a question to ask me. It was almost painful. They said that the director would contact me for a standard follow up interview. Needless to say, my mom got ANOTHER post-interview call saying "NO! NO! NO!"


Fast froward to August 21st- and after 3 job interviews I was more upset than ever. I was no longer afraid that i would never get a job -ever, but that there were no jobs that I WANTED! I went to my future apartment to drop off some things I had bought in a post-interview try to pick me up. My boyfriend wasn't there but working his new shift where I rarely get to see him. My life was mimicking Gwen Stefani lyrics from the Return Of Saturn CD. My boyfriend was a vacant chair and I was having a small mental breakdown (sans dying my hair bright pink a la Gwen 2000). It was the first time I was alone in a while and the tears poured down my face as i made a sobbing sound that made my BF's cat look at me with her head tilted to the side. I picked myself up and drove home. Luckily my mom was sitting alone in the living room and noticed my red streaked face. I just let it out and my mom- I thank everything for my mom- we fight like cats and dogs but so many times she's been there to make things "better". We talked till 1 A.m. Her telling me about how my aunt couldn't get a job for months after graduating and how my uncle was also jobless at 25 with a college degree. She talked about how I could of had all three jobs from the interviews I went on if I wanted the job. I realized that I thought this degree was going to be some super ticket to life for some reason. I had to realize that the job path I choose in life was one I'd have to work years on before I reached my goal and felt happy in my carreer.

The night went on for hours as we talked about life. it's scary when you start to see your parent for a "real" person for the first time. We talked about leaving Florida. The divorce and so much more. She told me it may take months before I find a job I like and want but I just have to keep my confidence up. I have to get out there and pound the pavement and never give up. By 1am we recapped the last 12 years of my life and I fell into bed and fell to sleep without the TV (which I can't go to sleep without blaring through the room). I woke up at 1:30pm and didn't get out of bed at 3pm. I was still tired from the cry fest and finally got up to eat one of my blueberry muffins. Even though my mom and I agreeed it would be good to take a day away from the computer searching for jobs I ended up getting suckced in for 3 hours( yeah, only 3 hours- trying to find a job is more work than any other job I've ever had).I found a lead about a possible job opening for a youth advocate. The girl at the front desk of the facility didn't know if it was still available but gave me the womens number who was hiring. I called but she's on vacation till Monday. Youth Advocate sounds up my alley for jobs but I can't get excited because I don't even know if it's a job to be had but it's still a lead.

Although today I still don't feel too much better, at least I didn't cry today. I have a list of places to call on Monday and hopefully this weekend will give me sometime to see my boyfriend and get myself together again. Today I felt stronger. "It will Happen" I tell myself. It just may take some work. With that said- I'll be updating here about the big changes and obstacles going on in my life such as finding a job, moving out and all the other shit life throws at me. Here's hoping I won't break.