confidence below my kness now

I started this blog to in hopes it will help me reflect on my life right now. I just graduated from college with a ba in psychology and I'm about to move in with my boyfriend of 8 1/2 years.

I'm looking for my first Post- Grad job. It's only been 11 days and I've already had 2 breakdowns (one with crying one without).

I've been on 3 interviews and while this might be a bit dramatic, I'd rather throw myself off the verrazano than actually take any of them.

Interview 1:
I was so excited. I got the call for the job just one day after putting out my resume. The pay was low but I figured it would be good practice putting myself out there and going on the interview. My shoes were too big and kept falling off . Overall I felt confident. A perfect job if you're still in college looking for part time work. I left feeling okay and her saying she'd keep my resume if anything full time came up.

That night I went home and had an attack that kept me up till 3am. It's not that I had thought finding a job would be easy, it's just that I hadn't thought about getting a job at all. I was just happy to be out of school and appreciated all the "congrats on graduating" checks that were coming in the mail. I felt that I would never get a job-ever. I was bound to roam the earth not being able to get any job-ever.

Interview 2:
Case Manager. Wow! Now this sounds like a "real job". I had gotten the call two days after faxing my resume to the ad I had seen in the newspaper. Her office was hot and I had to walk through the bathroom to get there. I was dressed sharp and had already filled the paper work out that was needed. ( I had gone on their website the night before and filled it out in case I was asked to fill it out at the interview. "How efficient" the director said when she saw my paper was had already been done.) I knew this interview was off to a bad start when she didn't even shake my hand. The interview ended when she said the words "home visits". The ad had said "working with teens and their families with preventative programs'. Finding preventative programs = preventing the child from going to foster care. I respect the people who do this dangerous job but i was mad I got sucked in so fast. This is the job I was trying to keep away from. My aunt did this job soon after graduating with her Psy degree and had a total breakdown less than a year later. The rest of the interview just got worse but that's another story. it ended with her asking me to meet with the director to start to fill out my employment papers and me racing home to send him and nice email turning down the position.


Interview 3:
Came 10 days into my job hunt. Mental Health Aide. I didn't even realize I applied for the job. It was one one of those websites where you have to email your resume and I swear I didn't know my resume went through. I almost called to cancel the thing but in the morning I talked to the BF and he was persuasive. Is lipped on my new pants, tank with matching cami and took off. The building looked abandoned. The job would be working with people who were mentally ill and addicted to drugs. The place had no air and I was sweating instantly. All the "clients" (as us in the Psy industry like to refer to them as) were older men. I turned around and had a parade of about 3 guys following me and looking me up and down. The 2 women who interviewed me had no idea what they were doing and hadn't thought of a question to ask me. It was almost painful. They said that the director would contact me for a standard follow up interview. Needless to say, my mom got ANOTHER post-interview call saying "NO! NO! NO!"


Fast froward to August 21st- and after 3 job interviews I was more upset than ever. I was no longer afraid that i would never get a job -ever, but that there were no jobs that I WANTED! I went to my future apartment to drop off some things I had bought in a post-interview try to pick me up. My boyfriend wasn't there but working his new shift where I rarely get to see him. My life was mimicking Gwen Stefani lyrics from the Return Of Saturn CD. My boyfriend was a vacant chair and I was having a small mental breakdown (sans dying my hair bright pink a la Gwen 2000). It was the first time I was alone in a while and the tears poured down my face as i made a sobbing sound that made my BF's cat look at me with her head tilted to the side. I picked myself up and drove home. Luckily my mom was sitting alone in the living room and noticed my red streaked face. I just let it out and my mom- I thank everything for my mom- we fight like cats and dogs but so many times she's been there to make things "better". We talked till 1 A.m. Her telling me about how my aunt couldn't get a job for months after graduating and how my uncle was also jobless at 25 with a college degree. She talked about how I could of had all three jobs from the interviews I went on if I wanted the job. I realized that I thought this degree was going to be some super ticket to life for some reason. I had to realize that the job path I choose in life was one I'd have to work years on before I reached my goal and felt happy in my carreer.

The night went on for hours as we talked about life. it's scary when you start to see your parent for a "real" person for the first time. We talked about leaving Florida. The divorce and so much more. She told me it may take months before I find a job I like and want but I just have to keep my confidence up. I have to get out there and pound the pavement and never give up. By 1am we recapped the last 12 years of my life and I fell into bed and fell to sleep without the TV (which I can't go to sleep without blaring through the room). I woke up at 1:30pm and didn't get out of bed at 3pm. I was still tired from the cry fest and finally got up to eat one of my blueberry muffins. Even though my mom and I agreeed it would be good to take a day away from the computer searching for jobs I ended up getting suckced in for 3 hours( yeah, only 3 hours- trying to find a job is more work than any other job I've ever had).I found a lead about a possible job opening for a youth advocate. The girl at the front desk of the facility didn't know if it was still available but gave me the womens number who was hiring. I called but she's on vacation till Monday. Youth Advocate sounds up my alley for jobs but I can't get excited because I don't even know if it's a job to be had but it's still a lead.

Although today I still don't feel too much better, at least I didn't cry today. I have a list of places to call on Monday and hopefully this weekend will give me sometime to see my boyfriend and get myself together again. Today I felt stronger. "It will Happen" I tell myself. It just may take some work. With that said- I'll be updating here about the big changes and obstacles going on in my life such as finding a job, moving out and all the other shit life throws at me. Here's hoping I won't break.